Snippets of an affair ~ First care

[zahraowens]

Title: Snippets of an affair (18/?) ~ First care Author: zahra_owens Beta: An absolute angel who'll remain anonymous... Rating: NC-17 Word Count: 1720 Warnings: Angst, voyeurism Disclaimer: Persons and events described here may, on the surface, seem familiar, but I don't have a clue what I'm talking about. Author's note: The POV may change throughout the story, so the 'I' from this chapter may not be the 'I' from the previous chapter.

INDEX / PREVIOUS

We've been home for more than an hour and you're still shaking. It can't be the cold, since it's nice and toasty in here, but I'm making hot chocolate for both of us anyway. I know you prefer coffee, but since you have enough trouble sleeping as it is, I'm not even letting you choose tonight.

When I return from the kitchen, I see you fidgeting on the living room couch as if you have ants in your pants and you can't sit still.

"Want to tell me what's going on?" I ask, trying to keep the worry out of my voice as I sit down next to you and hand you your cup.

You take it with both hands and immediately put it down on the coffee table again.

"Too hot?" I ask as you shake your hands frantically.

You close your eyes and inhale deeply before answering me, as if you need to muster courage and calm yourself before you can speak. "I cleaned up this afternoon."

"Oh?" I answer reflexively, looking around. The house is as tidy as when I left it earlier, so I don't immediately understand what's happening and this makes me nervous.

"You'll find quite a lot of empty bottles in the glass container," you start and then it dawns on me. The nervousness, the clammy, shaking hands, the fact the light has returned to your eyes. You stopped drinking.

"When you yelled at me last night..."

"I didn't yell at you..." I intervene.

"Yes you did." You're smiling at nobody in particular, just staring into the cold hearth. "You yelled at me and you were right to yell. In any case, it started me thinking and I'm sorry I put you through all this."

I take your hand in mine and your eyes trail from the fireplace to our entwined fingers.

"I'm sorry too," I reply softly. "I'm sorry that I brought him into our lives and that he hurt you."

"You shouldn't feel sorry for that!" you say, raising your voice and righting your back while you look at me. Then you sink down again and let go of my hand, your elbows on your knees. "You didn't make him a violent, raging lunatic, whose only recourse for frustration is... raping someone."

"No, I didn't, but if you hadn't met me, you wouldn't have got hurt," I reply softly. I can't hide how guilty I feel. Bringing fly-boy into your life is only the half of it.

"If I hadn't met you..." You stop half way through your sentence and the silence between us is uncomfortable as I wait for you to continue. You look tired and a lot older all of a sudden and I want to take you in my arms and hold you, but I'm afraid. This is the most we've touched in months and I miss having you close to me, but I'm not willing to take the chance you'll bolt if I try to come even closer, so I decide to just wait it out.

When you suddenly move, I startle and turn towards you. Before I can think about what you're doing, you're kissing me and I simply react by kissing you back. It feels so good to finally taste you again and I'm more than happy to let you take the lead. Slowly, the kiss that started a little hesitantly deepens and I feel my body reacting. I can't help moving closer in search of more stimulation, but you pull back as abruptly as you started and wipe your hand over your mouth.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..."

"Please stop apologising. I've missed you so much. It felt so good to kiss you again." I try to make look at me, but you won't. You don't pull away from the hand I've placed on your arm though, and slowly you cover it with your own. I eventually hook my other hand under your elbow and press my chest forward so I can put my chin on your shoulder. We sit like this for a while and you rest your head against mine.

Although I'm afraid to break our intimacy, I'm really tired. "Let's go to bed, okay?" I suggest softly. To my surprise you nod in agreement and we slowly get up and make our way upstairs, holding hands all the way.

On the landing you hesitate though. "I'm not ready, Angel."

I smile as I try to hide my disappointment. "I just wanted to be there to hold you until you fell asleep. I had every intention of keeping my PJ's on."

Luckily you smile back, but you also shake you head. "Not tonight, I'm sorry."

"Okay," I answer, pointing over my shoulder. "I'll be right next door."

Although I'm dead on my feet, it takes me a while to fall asleep because I can't stop listening to your movements in the other room and it takes you forever to settle down.

When a sudden growl wakes me, it literally takes me two seconds to be in your bedroom. It's dark, but I can see you half sitting up, panting hard. I don't hesitate this time and crawl into bed with you, wrapping my arms around your shaking body.

"It's okay, calm down. It was just a dream. I'm here now. Nothing's going to happen to you." Your skin is wet with sweat and feels cold to the touch, so I wrap the duvet around you and hug you tightly. Slowly you start relaxing and you end up in my arms, your head resting on my shoulder. There's nothing sexy about it, with you in boxers and me in boxers and a tee and half a duvet between us, but it does feel intensely intimate. The fact you're allowing me to console you, here in your bed and in the dark means you finally trust me again, but I know we have a long way to go.

Then you shudder and I pull you closer.

"Thank you," you whisper.

"There's no need," I say automatically. "I should thank you. You've done so much for me..." my sentence is cut short by your mouth covering mine. You kiss me out of the blue, just like on the couch earlier and again, giving into you is a no-brainer. My heart jumps when I feel your passion and my body follows shortly after. I try to extricate myself from the bedding, but you beat me to it. It may be really dark in the bedroom but in no time your hands are all over me and I want more, so I rub my body against yours.

"You're hard," you murmur against my mouth. Your hand is inside my boxers and you're rubbing me to full hardness.

"Don't sound so surprised. Fuck, you know you've done this to me ever since our first time." I want you so much right now, I'm having a hard time taking it slow, but I know I have to let you take the lead. It's been too long since we did anything and so much has happened, that I can't take anything for granted. Your touch is intoxicating though and your strong hands on my bare skin are making my head spin. Almost by accident, my hand circumnavigates t-shirts and sheets to find the skin of your belly. I caress you and feel your stomach muscles contract. I move lower and you retreat even more, but you don't stop kissing and touching me so I proceed until I feel you're completely flaccid.

You feel my hesitation and pull back completely, pushing me away in the process.

I can't see what you're doing so I reach for the side of the bed and flick on the lights. You're sitting on your side of the bed, bent over with your head in your hands.

"I didn't mean to push you, please forgive me?" I crawl across the bed and sit next to you, on your side of the bed, but keeping a safe distance between us.

You don't answer, you don't even look up, but you reach out and put your hand between my legs, where my boxers are tented by my erection. My feelings of arousal are gone though, because of your reaction and because I upset you, so I take your wrist and lift your hand away from my groin.

"I can help you with that even though I'm pretty useless otherwise right now," you say softly, protesting only moderately to me pushing you away.

"No. It's ok."

"You were pretty close, I'm sorry."

I feel your disappointment, so I cradle your hand in mine and scoot a little closer to you. "It'll go away of its own accord, don't worry about it."

"You might have to go back to your jelly companion with the suction cup."

"Excuse me?" I say out of reflex. I know what you're getting at, but I always thought you didn't know about my wanking habits.

"You know, on the edge of the bathtub? You and your dildo?"

"Oh fuck!" I feel myself turn crimson. "You watch me?"

"I did this morning. Usually I'm pretty out of it by first light, but I wasn't today and I heard you go into the bathroom and then I heard you moaning softly. The door was ajar, but I could only see a little bit. Was kind of surprised to hear you call out my name when you came though." You're still staring out into nothingness, but I can just see the amusement in your wry smile.

"Well, who else did you expect?"

You shrug slightly and look at me for what feels like the first time today. You really look at me and I'm speechless.

Eventually, I squeeze your hand. "Please don't ask me to leave? I want to sleep here with you. In our bed."

You hesitate for a moment and then nod. "Okay."

It's both a little strange and completely familiar to crawl into bed next to you. We fall asleep, each on our own side of the bed, but holding hands. You wake up a few times and I know you still have bad dreams, but at least now I can soothe you quickly. I hope one day you'll let me get close to you again.

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